August 2018. By Sandy Foster
Earlier this year I fell and injured my lower back, which causes numbness in my legs and a sense of imbalance as well as pain in movement. After several months the pain diminished to hardly at all and I am able to get around without a walker or even a cane- I am very close to letting that last aid go. I am doing 98% of what I could do before except I am slower, have to be more mindful and stairs, up or down, are still a problem for me. It begs the question, is this my new normal? Can I get back to where I was before? My recovery has come a considerable distance. I use to love to dance- is that possible again? I feel shackled to the floor. I feel as if I have lost all muscle memory in my legs, or at least one of them. The physical therapy I am doing is helping me a lot but I am wondering how far it will go. Will I have to adapt to new movement criteria or can I push myself back to my ‘old normal’? Is that even possible? Where does acceptance begin or control take over? And which is the ‘right’ answer? I do not know. I think there is no right answer because this isn’t about right or wrong, it is about choosing my way and having the experience that my body and I need. And that could be different in each moment, following my inner feelings, my Guidance. So maybe it is about holding a ‘neutral’ space, not a ‘normal ‘ space. ‘Neutral implies, no emotional charge, no negative judgments on the experience. That feels much better to me.